State in Mind.

I hate it when I start my writing because I feel sad. But the urge to write comes when I feel that way. I dont know thats just the way it is. Maybe its just me who likes to be melancholic sometimes just so I can release what I feel inside.

So I dont trust people, only a few of them that I can trust and they’re mostly been there for me through hard times til I finally can trust them.

I had coffee after work with one of my coworkers. Shes a nice girl, and eventhough she talks like she swallowed the radio, we have a lot of things in common. It’s always nice when you have someone you can relate too, especially in work.

We kinda lost track of time when we had coffee, time flew and it had been 4 hrs already before I realised.
We talked about stuff, and eventually we just stumbled to family topic. Well, what can I say, I dont have that much to share when it comes to family. And that topic, idk how, always manages to break my heart as hard as I try not to.

I could still manage to hold back my tears though, but as I came home and be alone again, now I feel like I wanna cry.

Ive been using blackberry for a while, maybe about 3 years (diff fone each year), and actually ive got not much to complain abt how it performs. It performs just as much as it promised to offer.
The only complaint I have about it is blackberry might not as smart as other OS like iOs and Android (when it comes to multimedia features) but thats just bc blackberry was designed more for push emails and stuff.
Well im just a casual fone user and clearly im not one of em who wears the fone at its best features, but bb does its job so far.
I stupidly got my fone dropped to asphalt, even water (lol), and there are times when I abuse it with heavy usage of browsing and stuff, overcharging it at nights, let it fully discharging so many times (its no good for li-on batts though), replacing my iPod function with it sometimes (listen to music w it for long hours), etc but its still working pretty well. I know im not the best caring person to my fone, but bb really does a good job when you dont compare it too multimedia features that others have.

So when I decided to buy other smartphone just so I can get other features that bb doesnt have -(I dont think ill get rid of my bb any time soon cos my fam is a big fan of bbm :/ they want me to still use it instead of learning how simple using whatsapp is)- I thought for a while whether to get an iPhone or android fone.

And finally I decided to get android. I had pretty limited budget so I needed to think carefully what to get. My options were Samsung galaxy s2, or the latest Sony Xperia s which comes nearly a year later.

I wanted to get white colour, but I went to several stores and they dont have the white colour anymore for Samsung galaxy S2. I read some reviews about Sony Xperia S, and the spec of it was even better than samsung one. It has 12MP camera, 1,5 GHz, 1 GB RAM, BRAVIA tech for the screen (really beatiful to see), etc. And they have white colour! So I got myself the Sony Xperia S.

Turns out everything is really great about the phone… Except its battery. The battery performance isnt that great, or should I say..poor. The beautiful screen drains the battery really quick. It sucks all the battery s life. Can’t even last til noon! And to make it worse, this phone comes with a non removable batt..*sigh
So you cant have spare battery.
I know that normally nice screen requires a lot of batt power, but not on this level. Its ridiculous I think, to have all the great features but you cant really use them cos you want to save the (non removable) batt.

I set the brightness to the lowest, I disable WiFi and data network the most time and only enable them when I really need it. The BRAVIA tech for the screen too, barely can enjoy it. Whats the point of getting the phone if I cant even enjoy the features?

The only way out, of course, to bring your charger everywhere. But its really annoying if youre a mobile person, hell its a mobile phone not a fixed phone! :(

To give you a picture, with normal usage (only a bit of texting, less than 10 min talking on the phone, and a bit of browsing) my fone dropped 45% within 4 hours. When I sleep at night (5 hr sleep) I disable WiFi and data network but still it drains the batt when its iddle..dropped 26%. Is it just my fone or its just the way it is? I have no idea. but it sucks.

Everytime I type on my tumblr, when Ive written few paragraphs, and I get a msg (pop out to the screen) all my writings gone. Same thing happens when the autolock starts, all my writings gone unsaved. Its really annoying!!!

The trailer and poster, plus Steven Soderbergh as the director whos been known for Ocean’s movies (Ocean’s eleven, twelve, thirteen..) made everything looked promising. But as the movie finished, i was like, “Was that it?”

I felt like the movie was really slow, and if you’re expecting actions, i dont think it’d give you enough. The score, cinematography, and editing might serve you a weird experience that only ones who likes art would understand. Maybe. 

Many characters in this movie yet so little information about the relationships they have. The most annoying thing for me is i think this movie has no climax, it just stops. 

Well it’s got a story, but definitely isn’t trying to be big or loud. It’s just that. 

So here’s the funny thing,

my cousin was trying to read my handwriting, saying that she learnt graphology from one of her friend who happened to be a certified graphologist. I didnt really take her seriously, or at least, i didnt think that she could actually read my handwriting that good. We were having dinner together and everything felt normal. I wasnt in a bad mood, she wasnt either. We started off talking daily things til out of the blue we talked about how she could read peoples handwriting. I just wanted to see how she did it, so i wrote on a napkin, two lines : 

“Partisipasi adalah kunci dari pengembangan masyarakat. Tidak akan tercapai tanpa didahului oleh refleksi diri.”

Well, it might sound too ‘heavy’ for a casual dinner lol, those lines were popped out of my mind cos i just read this book called “Society Development”. (For now, its not interesting to hear the reason behind reading the book. I’ll write about the book later, if im not too lazy for that of course)

So BOT, back on topic,

I let her to read the napkin, knowing nothing what she was gonna say after.

“You’re fake.”

Wtf lol, i didnt know it’d be the first word.

“You’re too busy showing people that you are happy. Even when you’re not.”

Okay, i had to hear what she had to say.

“You missed your mum. You missed her in your life. Big time.”

Yeah, tell me about it.

“You like to be surrounded by people but you always put up a wall, you keep the distance. You see the letters you wrote? All of these letters written close to each other, but every space between the words? It looks like you type on a computer and you click the space 3 times before you start to write another word.”

Hmm. 

“Sometimes you say mean things to people because you think it could cover your hurt.”

Doesnt everybody do that?

“And at this point, you look like a pessimist. See the line? Instead of going up like i thought it would be, cos you look happy tonight, its sloping down. Your problems seem really get to you right now.”

Well i tried not to think about it..

“See the word ‘refleksi’ ? There’s something about the word that makes you write it, unconciously, to be bolder than the others. It also looks like bla, bla, bla, bla…….. (I didnt really listen to her anymore)

Just like that,

and our casual dinner turned to be a D&M out of nowhere. I cried in a cafe, just like that, sobbing. I couldnt careless about the waiters staring at me. I just needed to release whats been holding me back.

What she told me that night was somewhat true. I still doubt graphology though, cos they say many empirical studies fail to show the validity of it. But that particular nite showed me sometimes it might be accurate.

Whatever,

i think it’s now time for me to do some ‘refleksi’.